you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
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he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
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I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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