Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
