I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
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