The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
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And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
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After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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