I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
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