dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
