I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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