he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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