I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
