He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
