i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
