We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
