I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
