I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
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If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
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I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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