I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
We need a shit load of segways right now
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
