my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
