you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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