just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
