Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Randomize
