The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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