I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
