also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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