i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Randomize
