I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
