Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
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I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
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Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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