First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
