I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
