tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
