The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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