Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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