i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
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