census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
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