Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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