DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
