I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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