Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
