You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
the condom got lost in my hair
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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