Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
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