Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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