yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize