Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
