My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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