Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
