She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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