youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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