i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
