I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
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He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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