Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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