I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
