you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
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