I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
