I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
