we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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