I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
