If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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